Living in a House Full of Holes: Understanding Unresolved Incest Trauma
By Holey House
Imagine trying to live in a house full of holes.
You patch one wall, but another begins to crumble. You sweep the floors, yet dust keeps falling from ceilings that never seem to hold. Every gust of wind chills you to the bone, every drop of rain seeps through, reminding you—there’s no true shelter here.
That’s what it feels like to live with unresolved incest trauma.
You try to move forward—to love, to work, to rest—but the cracks keep whispering, you’re not safe yet.
You can’t always see the damage, but you feel it—deep in your nervous system, in your relationships, in the quiet moments when life slows down enough for the echoes to surface.
When the House Is You
Incest doesn’t just steal childhood innocence—it warps the very blueprint of your identity.
When the people who were supposed to protect you became the ones who hurt you, your sense of safety collapsed. You learned to build walls where love should have been.
Unresolved trauma is like trying to live inside those walls years later. You paint over the cracks, rearrange the furniture, even hang pictures that say “I’m fine.” But deep down, the foundation still remembers the quake.
Trauma doesn’t stay in the past. It shows up in how you love, how you work, how you breathe. It’s the quiet hum of hypervigilance in your chest. It’s the constant scan for danger in every room. It’s the reason you feel exhausted but can’t sleep, hungry but can’t eat, touched but never quite soothed.
The Hidden Leaks: How Unresolved Trauma Shows Up
For incest survivors, trauma doesn’t always wear obvious clothes. It disguises itself as “I’m just tired,” “I’m fine,” or “I just don’t trust people.”
Here’s what those leaks might look like in your life:
Addiction or Compulsion – reaching for something—food, work, alcohol, relationships—to numb what feels unbearable.
Self-Destruction – when your pain turns inward because you were never allowed to express it outward.
Dissociation – that floating feeling, like you’re watching your life instead of living it.
Attachment Confusion – craving closeness but fearing it, wanting love but expecting betrayal.
Avoidance and Numbness – keeping busy, avoiding silence, dodging intimacy because it feels safer than remembering.
Even constant self-criticism can be a trauma echo—your inner voice repeating the words of those who once silenced you.
These are not signs of weakness.
They are signs of adaptation.
Your body and mind found ways to survive a war that should never have existed inside your own home.
The Body Keeps the Blueprint
Unresolved trauma doesn’t just live in your memories—it lives in your muscles, your heartbeat, your gut.
The body remembers what the mind tries to forget. It tightens, flinches, and reacts long after the danger has passed. You may notice:
A racing heart that won’t slow down even when you’re “safe.”
Digestive issues that flare without reason.
Headaches, fatigue, or chronic pain that medical tests can’t explain.
Insomnia or nightmares that replay what your conscious mind can’t face.
These are not random symptoms. They’re survival stories written in flesh.
When you were hurt by someone you trusted, your body learned to never let its guard down.
Now, healing means convincing your body that the war is over—that it’s okay to rest, to exhale, to feel again.
Cracks in the Foundation
Unresolved incest trauma affects every layer of your being. It can look like:
Flashbacks and Nightmares – the mind replaying what the body hasn’t released.
Anxiety and Depression – the nervous system stuck in survival mode.
Shame and Guilt – believing the lie that you were complicit, when you were only powerless.
Distrust and Isolation – pushing others away before they have the chance to hurt you.
Body Memories – sensations that surface without context, like whispers from the past saying, “This happened here.”
These are the cracks that trauma leaves behind—not because you are broken, but because your foundation was damaged by forces beyond your control.
You Were Never Meant to Live Alone in That House
Incest survivors often learn self-reliance out of necessity. We become our own protectors, our own comforters, our own witnesses. But healing doesn’t happen in isolation.
You can’t repair the house from the inside with no light coming in.
You need safe people—those who can hold a flashlight when you’re too tired to see.
Therapy, community, and trauma-informed care are not luxuries; they are scaffolding for your reconstruction.
Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you:
Explore triggers without retraumatization.
Develop coping tools for when emotions feel unbearable.
Reclaim your body through somatic and grounding techniques.
Build safety and trust—slowly, intentionally, and on your terms.
Healing from incest trauma is sacred work. It’s not about “getting over it.” It’s about remembering that you deserve to live in a house that feels like home.
Renovating from the Inside Out
Therapy isn’t about fixing what’s broken—it’s about restoring what’s sacred.
You’re not a project to be repaired; you’re a survivor reclaiming your architecture.
You get to decide which walls stay, which ones come down, and what kind of windows you want to let the light through.
Rebuilding looks like:
Feeling a little more grounded after a panic attack.
Letting someone hug you without flinching.
Saying “no” and meaning it.
Crying without shame.
Laughing without fear.
Each act of self-connection is a nail, a beam, a new piece of structure reinforcing your wholeness.
Daily Repairs: Self-Care for the Survivor’s House
Self-care isn’t indulgence—it’s maintenance. It’s the daily tending that keeps your inner home from collapsing.
Some simple but profound practices:
Grounding – Feel your feet. Breathe into your belly. Remind your body it’s here, it’s now, it’s safe.
Movement – Dance, stretch, walk. Let energy flow where pain once froze it.
Creative Expression – Paint your story, write your rage, sculpt your sorrow. Let art hold what words cannot.
Rest – Healing requires softness, not striving. Sleep is not laziness; it’s restoration.
Boundaries – Locks on your emotional doors are not walls—they are protection.
These are the sacred rituals of repair.
You Can Rebuild What Trauma Tried to Take
Healing from incest trauma isn’t about returning to who you were before—it’s about becoming who you were always meant to be.
You may never erase every crack, but you can fill them with gold—like the Japanese art of kintsugi, where broken pottery is mended with precious metal. Your cracks become your story. Your story becomes your strength.
You don’t have to keep living in that house full of holes. You can rebuild—stronger, wiser, and softer all at once.
You’re Not Alone in the Rebuilding
If these words found you, know this:
You are not broken. You are rebuilding.
And every single scar is proof that you’re still standing.
At Holey House, we believe that every survivor deserves a place of safety, understanding, and sacred belonging.
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Because healing doesn’t happen alone—
It happens together, in houses made whole again, one story, one survivor, one sacred repair at a time.