Incest Survivors Aren’t Asking for Too Much, They’re Asking for What They Need to Feel Safe
When we talk about safety in relationships, most people think of the basics: no yelling, no cheating, no physical harm. And yes, those are essential. But for incest survivors, safety goes far beyond the basics. Our safety needs are shaped by childhood experiences that rewired our nervous systems and taught us that danger hides behind familiar faces.
This article is written for those who love survivors and want to understand why safety feels like such a big deal, and why we sometimes ask for things that seem excessive to someone who hasn’t lived through what we have.
The Baseline: What Most People Need to Feel Safe
For people without a history of trauma, safety in a relationship might look like this:
Trustworthiness:
A partner who doesn’t lie, cheat, or deceive.
Emotional Stability:
A generally calm atmosphere with occasional disagreements that resolve.
Physical Safety:
No fear of violence, aggression, or harm.
Respect:
Having their opinions and choices acknowledged.
This baseline is where many people start, and for them, it’s enough. They don’t have to scan the room for danger. Their nervous system isn’t set to red alert.
Survivors Start From a Different Place
For incest survivors, safety is not the default setting. Our childhood homes were where we were supposed to be safest, and yet, that’s where harm happened. This betrayal of trust changed the way we view the world. Safety for us isn’t something we assume. It’s something we have to see, feel, and re-confirm.
When you love a survivor, you are not just loving the adult in front of you, you are loving someone whose inner child is still learning that love can exist without danger. That means our safety needs are more layered, more nuanced, and sometimes more intense.
What Survivors Need Specifically to Feel Safe
1. Radical Consistency
For a non-survivor, consitency can surely be appreciated, but it’s likely not critical. For incest survivors, it’s vital. Inconsistency can mean danger.
We need partners who are steady, who do what they say they’ll do, and who keep showing up. Inconsistency feels like abandonment and can send us spiraling. Consistency is how we re-learn trust.
2. Verbal Reassurance
Of course, everyone has times when a little reassurance helps. But, I’ve noticed those without trauma can at times take love for granted. They’re able to “love themselves” enough to not need external validation of their worth.
Incest survivors often struggle to believe we are chosen. Shame, the feeling of not being good enough, is a core wound that most of us carry. Words matter. We need to know that we matter and won’t be abandoned. Frequent reassurance, “I love you, I’m here, I choose you,” helps quiet the inner panic.
3. Transparency and Honesty
If you haven’t lived a lie you might not understand what it’s like to wear a mask 24/7, or to live with a person who wears a mask. It leaves you questioning who someone is, and if you can trust who they appear to be. When you’ve witnessed, first hand, the worst side of a person, and also seen the facade they put on for everyone else, you become a little obsessed with knowing who a person who’s trying to get close to you trully is deep down.
Even small lies can be triggering because secrecy was the language of our abuse. Lies leave us wondering, “What else is he hiding?” and “Can I trust that anything he tells me is true?” We need open, transparent communication, not half-truths or omissions, to feel safe enough to rest.
4. Respect for Slower Pacing
Survivors may need more time before sex, before commitment, before moving in. Rushing feels unsafe. Sex without commitment can make us panic. Giving up what we need to feel chosen and loved, for what a partner wants or prefers can feel like a reenactment of our abuse.
We need partners who honor our timing without pressure or guilt.
5. Emotional Availability
Incest is taboo. It illicits feelings of disgust in most people, naturally. And because of it’s taboo nature, incest survivors are frequently silenced on the topic, even by therapists. We’re given a few meaningless phrases of advice like, “You gotta love yourself.” “You need to let it go.” or “You got to forgive to heal.” None of which really conveys that anything we said was heard, let alone understood. We’ve learned that no one wants to hold space for the gravity of what we survived.
Because our pain was often ignored, we need partners who can sit with hard feelings instead of shutting down, getting defensive, or trying to “fix” us. Emotional presence is one of the greatest gifts you can give a survivor.
6. Public Acknowledgement
Non-survivors might feel that publicly acknowledging a relationship isn’t important. They might think, “Who cares if anyone knows?” and question why it matters so much.
Incest survivors were taught that their abuse was a “shameful secret” and the desire to keep a relationship secret feels like we’re being hidden because our partner is ashamed for anyone to know that they’re in a relationship with us. A hidden relationship can feel like a reenactment of abuse. We need to be acknowledged and celebrated, not hidden.
Acknowledging the relationship publicly let’s us know that our partner is proud to be with is. Being openly chosen and loved makes us feel safe, and is deeply healing.
7. Gentle Conflict Repair
Most people understand that it’s normal for couples to argue. In fact, it can be healthy and necessary to negotiate the terms of a relationship so both partners can feel their needs are being met and boundaries are respected.
For an Incest Survivor, conflict can trigger memories of danger. Our abuse was never up for negotiation. Our boundaries were never respected. Asserting ourselves was likely met with extreme reactions from our abusers. Survivors need calm communication. And if conflict does occur, we need repair that is gentle, fast, and loving. Silent treatments, yelling, or punishments can retraumatize us.
8. Touch That Is Safe and Requested
Touch is not neutral for us. Physical intimacy without the safety and security of being deeply loved and chosen, can make us feel objectified and used. It can leave us feeling that we’re only valued for our physical attributes and that who we are as a person isn’t valued, or important.
We need to know we can say yes or no without repercussion. Safe touch is slow, respectful, and attuned to our comfort level.
Why These Needs Matter
Some of these needs might look like “high maintenance” to someone who hasn’t survived trauma. They aren’t. They are the bridge between terror and trust. Without these things, survivors can’t settle enough to experience love fully.
When these needs are met, something beautiful happens: the hypervigilance quiets. The survivor’s body relaxes. Joy, intimacy, and playfulness return. Safety is the soil where peace and love grow.
For Partners Who Want to Help
If you love a survivor, here are a few ways you can meet these safety needs:
- Ask what safety looks like to them. Each survivor is unique.
- Keep your word. Nothing builds trust like reliability.
- Be patient. Healing takes time, and so does learning to trust.
- Show them off. Let them know they are someone you are proud to love.
- Repair quickly. Don’t let wounds fester, address conflict with gentleness.
Final Thoughts
Safety is not a luxury for survivors, it is the foundation on which everything else stands. Loving an incest survivor means understanding that her needs might be greater than what you’re used to. Not because she is broken, but because she is building something new:
A life where love and danger no longer coexist.
When you choose to help her build that life, you don’t just get a safer relationship, you get a partner who can finally exhale, who can love with her whole heart, and who can bring you the peace you long for.